I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
