I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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