Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
