My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
