I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I intend to get homeless drunk
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
