After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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