is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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