My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
