a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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