Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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