I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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