this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
