hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
