so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
