FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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