THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize