2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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