I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
