you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
