I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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