i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Never underestimate the power of titties
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