I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
