I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
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