There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
