jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
