okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
