I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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