So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
