can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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