Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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