if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
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