i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
