i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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