I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
