thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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