My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
