Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
