I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
