Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
