Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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