1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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