Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
