the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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