I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
