Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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