You're so nebulous sometimes
Duck Duck Cougar?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
