He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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