Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
