just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
