Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I am morally bankrupt
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
