I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
