...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
David Carradine died? Should I be thinking about this 10 min before my interview?
Haha just ref him when they ask a questin about kung fu which they will since ur Asian
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
