in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
