Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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