It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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