dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
