i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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