I cannot find my penis.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
