My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
