I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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