Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
