I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
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