All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
