We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You did what with his pubic hair?
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