Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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