I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
