what day is it and did you see me today?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Randomize
