i don't like sucking hair
I can text with my tongue
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
